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March 3, 2007
#29

Self talk.

I hate myself, I hate when I can't say out loud what I'm thinking about the others, I hate when I'm unable to do anything to help someone... those times I really feel myself useless.

In a conversation I'm rather a listener ,sometimes someone will turn to me & ask something like "Are u still there ?" .. I just smiled & answer "I'm there." I'm not a talkative, I prefer observing people , or listening to their stories rather than giving out my words.. I dun't know ,maybe I shouldn't be like that ? well if it were my buddies ,they will not care about it cuz they know me....When someone tells a funny story, people laugh , so do I; when someone's sad ,so am I..; when someone needs anyone to listen to their "life" ,I'm there, I can stay with them until they feel better & dun't need me anymore ^.^ I'm not left behind right ? it's just that I dun't like to speak..well I like to write though, ..


It doesn't matter if it didn't happen like that, I realized today what kind of person I am, and I hate myself for this. I didn't have gut to stand up for a girl who was being bullied, right there in front of me..wth. I just stand there, looking at them, just a spectator, ..damn it. I was scared ,yeah, I was scared of what would happen to me if I jump in to help that person..

"Nobody deserves to be hurt"
even a bad person an animal has a heart, has feeling, I wonder what they were thinking while doing that, are doing it make them feel better in anyway.. they too want to run away from their weakness, or being bad is easier ?
ha wth I am talking, when even myself didn't do anything... shit
..I was not alone ,like me the croud that I'm in is also part of spectators, they're looking & pointing, whispering between them but nobody did anything;
"Disgusting" I thought, those people are really disgusting, & I hate myself to not do anything to show that I'm not like them...nothing.
"Useless" I said to myself.
I hate this society or just say I'm scared of it, but soon I have to enter to & be a part of it..
*sigh* "what kind of person will I become ?"

wth, I said that I was going to talk about something funny today.. argh, gomee. Pliz dun't mind, well at least u know something new about me, *smile*, hope that u dun't feel disappointed or anything akaka, if so, sorry.
Okay next time I will try to find something more interesting to say ^__^

jaa ne~

ran.

by Ran @ 12:20 AM  
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