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February 18, 2007

# 08 START #
Myojo 2007.02

It was always like this.
In kindergarten, I watched my friend who could do forward upward circling on the horizontal bar faster than anyone else and thought I could absolutely do it too. Even when I stepped up and gripped the horizontal bar, I thought, "I don't feel like I can't do it!!" But when I tried to do forward upward circling, I realized at the moment I kicked the earth. "I can't do it..." why? Why can't I do it?

It was always like this.
In primary school, when I had entered cram school and directly before my first test, I had the confidence that I could get 100 points. I thought there was absolutely no reason for me to go wrong. When the bell rang and I gripped my pen, I thought, "I don't feel like I can't do this!!" But when I started reading the test questions, I realized it. "I don't get it..." why? Why don't I understand this?

It was always like this.
When I had entered Johnny's Jimusho and for the first time watched the senpai dance, I thought, "Cool! I also want to do this, I can do it too!" At the time the music started playing, I thought, "I don't feel like I can't do this!!" But I realized the moment I watched myself dancing in the mirror. "I can't do it..." why? Why can't I do it?

It was always like this.
At the first time I had my picture taken, at my first recording, at my first acting experience. It didn't happen even once that I could do something as well as I had thought I could. No, it hasn't happened even once until now.

At first, I always get the feeling that something isn't that hard to do. But then my confidence which has no real basis crumbles and I start hating myself more and more. People might think, "Isn't that normal?" They might say that there isn't anyone who can do something well right from the beginning. Maybe my friend whom I looked up to because he could do the forward upward circling and also the senpai who looked so cool dancing, in moments that I don't know about they fought with the horizontal bar, they danced and twisted their feet, they had lots of moments in which they looked uncool until they became able to do what they can do. But even though I can become able to do what they can, given the same amount of time, I am neither as clever nor as talented. So it was hard to have people around me look at me as if it was natural that I could do something too. This way, I get even more afraid of making a mistake. I, a vain person even though he can't really do anything, hate showing people that I'm weak. Flawless in everything. It doesn't matter if they don't praise me, as long as they don't disparage me. Flawlessly. Flawlessly. When I was still thinking like this and worrying over my acting, I was told the following by a certain actor.
"Acting isn't something that is great if you do it well. Even if you can't do it well, if it's individual or funny, people will pay attention to it. You compare yourself to other people too much. At the time that you're acting, you're doing your own acting, so you mustn't try to break that down."
It was as if something had been nudged in the middle of my chest. I had let my feeling of Do it well! interfere too much, so that I hadn't been able to do more than boring acting. There's no other way than to put in a real effort, not caring about what other people might think. Hard work. Hard work.

It's not like Edison's "A genius is 1% talent and 99% hard work.", but now I'm thinking that if I possess even 1% talent, I will do something for the rest by putting in an effort. No matter how much talent you have, if you stop working on developping it in the middle of the way, then it's over at that point. At first, it's enough to stand at the start line. Because that alone is a hard thing to do. To work hard and develop yourself is something that starts right there if you put in an effort.

I don't have anything like a goal in life.
This is my start.
On your mark... ready, go!

Translated by riccichan

* Do not repost/retranslate w/o permission *

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